Wednesday, February 4, 2009


I'm not sure if it's just my bad attitude, or some unfortunate timing, or both, but things have been less than serene around here lately. The adjustment to me being gone so long at night has been hard for Claire... and even harder for me. I'm finding myself hating every minute of time I spend at school, working on school, or thinking about school! And on top of it all I got sick over the weekend. The combination of being sick and being stressed has zapped my milk supply which has lead to a whole struggle between my body and Claire's hunger. I'm doing everything I can to treat the problem, but it has really unraveled any coping I was attempting. 

I feel like I'm failing at being a good student and a good mother all at the same time. Of course I know I'm not actually failing, and have been told frequently by my amazing husband and supportive friends, but truth matters very little sometimes. I just want to quit. I don't care that I'm being emotional and short-sighted. I just feel like the past 5 months have been so joyful, and the past 2 weeks have been filled with grief, all for a career I wanted before I became a mother and now find meaningless in the face of the sacrifice it's going to take to achieve. 

Ok. Tantrum over. I'm in that place right now where all I want is to feel like God is leading me to the decision I want to make, so I can have my way and feel obedient in the process. (it's a 2fer!) I'm so busy crying out that I can't hear the answer. But truthfully, ever since Claire was born I have been rethinking my life plans. Maybe I'm supposed to stay at home and have lots of babies--it seems to be something I'm quite good at.


  1. I AM RIGHT THERE WITH YOU!! It gets a bit easier as Claire gets older... but it's still hard and emotionally trying!

  2. Hang in there. I know how you feel-I just did it with work not school. Get some fenugreek tea and enjoy the moments you have with Claire. They can always sense our stress so try to relax. I love you.