This blog has always been mainly used as a way to show friends and family pictures of the kids and keep them updated on our lives. But it also was occasionally fueled by some little something I wanted to express. It used to be a creative outlet for me. The only creative outlet I've ever really had. But lately, nothing. It's not just that I haven't been documenting anything profound. It's that I don't think I've even thought about anything profound to document. It's like my mind has gone blah. See, I don't even have good adverbs to express it! [or adjectives. gerunds? whatever, grammar was never really that interesting to me.]
I have always been a thinker. I constantly write manuscripts in my brain. But I've run out of material that goes beyond "look how cute my kids are." Over the last few months I have felt zapped- like I have become this dull person that just makes it through the day and then collapses in front of the TV until bed. Any fleeting whispers about life and love and why drift away before I have a chance to catch hold of them. I have always felt that one of the main ways God speaks to me is through my introspection. But when that goes, so does God's wisdom.
I have recently re-read some of my old posts. The ones that captured my dreams. The ones that pushed me toward truth. Even the funny ones about how I struggle with daily life. I can't even muster the creativity to be funny anymore.
I miss that me. Where has she gone?
Probably the same laundry hamper, diaper, or dishwasher that my Me went. Sigh. Someday we will be ourselves again.
ReplyDeleteYou are normal. I think most moms with small children feel this way. I know I did. I think now that my boys are older I am finding myself again. Your dreams are there, just maybe dormant, waiting to have the right time to bloom again.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sheridan and Shannon. It's nice to know I'm not alone! Mothering is such a joy, but it does come at a cost. It's nice to be reminded that there's a light at the end of the laundry basket!
ReplyDeleteRechelle, your creative self is buried in the ground, like a seed lying dormant. One day it will emerge and grow into a beautiful flower, nourished by all of the experiences that now seem to be consuming you. But then, Sheridan already said that. Wise woman.
ReplyDeleteRechelle, I miss you and your honest heart.
ReplyDelete